Blessed

Yesterday, Sunday, I got a glimpse of how blessed I am.
Dave and Hannah had softball yesterday so they went to early church. I took the boys to the 10:45 service.  Danielle and Andrew and Dillon and Annie were going to meet me there.  I dropped the boys off at class then walked  myself to the sanctuary.  As I walked I felt alone; Dave wasn't going to be waiting for me to go find seats.  I made my way through the sea of people in the foyer to enter the sanctuary; all along having mini anxiety attacks.  There were more people!  I looked up to see Danielle and Andrew already seated so I made my way up to them and took my seat.  Shortly after worship began, Dillon, Annie, Linda and Anthony found us and joined us.  At some point during worship, God allowed me to sit back and survey the situation.  Suddenly, all the people didn't matter!  I was nestled in between my two oldest children and their "significant others", Danielle's future husband and Dillon's future wife.  Realizing they are godly people; all of us are here together worshiping the same God. God has answered another prayer for me.  It's up to God to work out the rest in their lives but they have a good foundation to spring from; thanks to all the hard work from us, the parents by the grace given to us by God.  When I realized this I wanted to cry tears of joy, but I didn't. Just smiled a special smile of thanksgiving to God!           

Dillon Graduates Home-School

It's hard to believe Dillon has graduated high school.  Aside from a few years in various schooling types, he has been home-schooled since 1st grade.  There were days and even years I though this boy would NEVER see graduation; either because he wouldn't do the work for various excuses or because I was gonna kill him! :)  At any rate, he (we) made it!  I am so proud of him!   I LOVE YOU DILLON!!!!!  It's time you spread your wings and fly, my little boy...I mean...young man. This makes me sad.        

Ben's Future Girlfriend

Dillon has been dating Annie for 2 years now.  Benjamin adores Annie.  In fact, he playfully claims her as his own.  Yesterday, when kids were outside playing while Annie was over, someone was talking to Ben about his girl friend.  He told them, "Annie's my girlfriend, Dillon and I share her. But when I turn 16, Mom is gonna find me my own girlfriend." He went on to say a whole bunch of other cute stuff...but that's where my ears stopped, because my heart was blessed by my sons innocent convictions.  I instantly thought, "WOW!! I must be doing something right."  It is so like God to use those little moments in our lives to encourage us to press on toward the goal.  I don't know that I will actually pick his girlfriend, who knows what God has for that, he's only 5 years old right now.  But he subconsciously knows his Momma gonna have something to say about his future Ms.Right.  I have been praying for all of my children's future spouses.  That God would be training them up getting them ready for a future with our children when His time is right.  And I will continue to pray to the end...     

A New Season and a New Schedule

Thankfully the weather is changing, in spite of what the ground hog predicted.  The days are beginning to get longer and the weather is getting warmer.  With that change, come schedules - sports schedules.

This will be the first year Danielle will not be on the schedule.  Her softball season ended last spring, as she was a senior.  We're having mixed emotions about that.

Where she drops off, though, Benjamin picks up.  He will be playing soccer this spring.  This is a first for our family, we never played soccer - none of us!  The amusing part is, I am going to be his coach; I have never been a coach of anything!  New Season - New Schedule!      

Forced Vacation

Well, after praying and thinking, and praying and thinking, and praying and thinking, I have decided to enjoy my God-forced vacation.  I have also decided to stop beating myself up over the past.  No amount of thinking and beating can change it; so I'M MOVIN ON!

I started my vacation off yesterday by spending 2 hours with God at the park.  That was nice.  Today, I cleaned this morning then I started a quilt.  It's a block a month quilt kit, so it should take a year to finish.  I did three blocks today.  We'll see how many I do next month; or if I can even wait until next month to do more. :)  

Not So Free

The kids have been in school since November 8.  Benjamin started 3 day a week pre-school in January.  At first, I was so amazed at how much better I felt health wise.  I still feel great!  Now I am beginning to pray about next year and school.  I wonder if the answer all along was to put Ben in pre-school. I am bored out of my mind! I thought the freedom I would gain by the kids being in school would be good for me... I cant stand just sitting around all day.  Checking email every few minutes to see anyone has contacted me is INSANITY!!!!!   I was made to care for and teach my children...not this!!!! I HATE THIS!  

Not to mention the amount of homework they bring home every night after being gone all day is ridiculous!!!  Benjamin is so frustrated with not being able to play with Aaron when he gets home, it is so sad.  All day Ben asks me, "Mom, when is Aaron going to be home?"  No joke!  ALL DAY!!!! 

  

I am pretty confident Ben will go to kindergarten in the fall.  But what to do with Hannah and Aaron?  I really don't feel called to do anything other than care for and teach them and clean the house.  That's my calling.  I would like to earn money, but that would require me to work outside the home.  I don't want to do that.  I should say, I don't feel called to that.  Some days I think it's a good idea, but mostly, NOT!  Mainly, because I think I might really regret not being here for them, and maybe even at some level resent having them to the point of neglect.  Not legal neglect, I mean letting them fin for themselves more than they should have to at their age.  

Dave really couldn't care less about what I do, if I work or not. He just wants me to be happy.  I think I needed to put the kids in school this year because I needed a break, plus I was so sick for so long, I just couldn't keep up with everything.  

So, then, What's to say I won't end up like this again, if we bring them home for next year?  Well, nothing really!  Then how can I do things differently to prevent this from happening again?  AAHHH now thats the 64 million dollar question!!!   Support system!  I need a good support system in place.  If this were a perfect world what would that look like?  Well, maybe some friends!  I am pretty much a loner.  I mean I have Sue, G, and Diane S, some days.  FISH is down the drain I cant stand the ladies that run it; and I feel like they cant stand me, whether or not there's any truth to that is a different story.  Maybe I need to find a new group.

You know, God has been changing the way I think about a lot of different things lately.  I wonder if I have been too recluse in my thinking and picking of friends?  Too guarded.  How can I change that?  What can I do to make friends.  What kind of friends do I want to have?  Like minded ones, ones that are Christians, it would be nice if they had kinds our kids ages and liked sports.  I am signed up to be a coach for Ben's grasshopper soccer team. (that's a whole other blog!)  Maybe that will help.  Maybe I should contact Terry Picnic.  I think her daughter is Hannah's age.  They played basketball together last year and they cyber school, plus they go to the Chapel too.  What about Aaron?  He has Ronnie and Jared.  I like Caleb and Isaac, they are nice boys...as far as boys go. :)  

Maybe I could check out the Washington Co-op for fall classes.  That would be helpful, maybe. 

What have I learned from this little escapade?  Well, I need a support group.  I need to be in God's word everyday, and taking my kids with me through it.  I have learned that I can not care about what others think of me or my kids.  I can not compare my children to other kids.  My home school will look like what GOD wants it too look like.  AND Not to care about high school or college before its time to care about those things!  That has to be the biggest mistake I made with Danielle and Dillon.  Freaking out about what college they might or might not get into based on their home school achievements.  I said God was leading us...but he wasn't I WAS!  I cared too much about the major things and not enough attention to the minor things...that as it turns out were really the major things after all.  Like reading and basic math concepts, not making them write when they didn't want to.  Not planning out ahead of time.  Basically, not making "real" school a priority in their lives.

I think the main reason, the NUMBER 1 reason I quit on Hannah and Aaron this year, was because I felt like such a failure with the older two.  I really took it hard that neither one of them were going to college on scholarships, like my friends kids were (see the comparing).  That's the truth! Oh my gosh!  Thats the truth, I felt like a failure and didnt see the point in fighting anymore.  I quit on them.          

My Boots

For Christmas Dave wanted to buy me boots from a western store here in Pittsburgh.  I had looked a little online but wasnt sure what I wanted.  So the night we went Christmas shopping for the kids Dave and BJ thought it would be a good idea to shoot by the western store and buy me some boots.  Since you cant just buy someone boots, they have to be there to try them on.  Well, I was shocked to find out Ropers arent the "in" boot anymore. In fact, the pointiest toed boots are what's in style, "roach killers" is what we used to call them. It has been 20 something years since I've had a pair of boots on, AND I live in Pittsburgh now, so how would I know that?

I found a pair that was the softest leather, but the pointiest toed boots I had ever seen and I hoped they would grow on me so we bought them. I sent a picture of them to Heather, trying to get her opinion of them.  She was kind and said they were "nice".  Of course, we all know thats code for OMGosh how could she?  I slept on it and decided  in the morning they MUST go back!

Well, I got store credit and after Christmas was over and Ben was in school I would take some time and look over the boots and find a pair I liked.

Today was that day!  After looking over all the boots AGAIN, the lady was so nice and patient with me, she finally said here try these on for the fit. When I looked at them I instantly thought Hannah would LOVE these.  Of course, Hannah is 10!  SO slipped the boot on, and stood there for a second or two, then the lady said here try this one, handing me the other boot.  So I slipped it on and walked around for a minute.  I LOVED THEM!  I loved the look and the feel.  Instant LOVE!  I walked out of the store IN THEM.  Just like a little kid!

Thanks Honey! I LOVE 'EM!!!!

Pre-School

WOW what a difference it is.  Ben has only been in school an hour and a half, and I am starting to doubt my decision to put him in pre-school.  I know its whats best for him and he's ready for it, but, I miss having everyone home.  After homeschooling for 12 years then in a few months NOTHING, it's quite a change.

I started organizing the boys drawers in their room, I almost started to cry when I came across Ben's coat and clothes he's out grown.  My last little guy is gone.

I know this is whats best for everyone, and I know this is God's leading, which is why I am not seriously doubting myself.  I know God wants them to be in school.  Hannah and Aaron are doing so well, and I know Ben will be fine too.  I believe God wanted me to put them in school so I could be the mom he wants me to be to them, loving, supportive, caring, and most important a godly influence. I was overwhelmed with life before we put them in school.

Everything has changed!  We no longer go to the same church as we did for 12 years, we no longer homeschool, Danielle is in college, Dillon is working and taking college classes at the community college, Hannah and Aaron are in school and now Ben is in pre-school.  We have homework in the evenings, and no piano. 

Wow, when God turns the apple cart upside down he really does quite a job!

I suppose it time to start to make new friends.  Thats scary to me.  It's not hard for Dave to make new friends, it's not hard for Hannah or Aaron to make new friends.  But I get gripped with fear at the thought of it.  Just after we were saved, we lost all of what we thought were our friends, and found ourselves friendless.  So in faith I began to pray and cry out to God for new friends.  He brought the Pierson's into our lives.  OH WHAT A MISTAKE THAT WAS!  Maybe I heard wrong from God on that one, I don't know.  I just know the scars are lifetime long and deep!

We went to a new life group meeting last night.  Dave liked it.  I am not sure about it, I just kept thinking how much like PCOP it was and the people were like people we knew there too.  I wonder if this is going to be like trying to name a baby...husband "how about Natalie?"  Wife... "No not Natalie, I once knew a girl named that!"        

I just need to adjust to this new lifestyle and trust God in it and praise God for it!

Lord, I do feel like I'm at a loss right now, all things I have known for so many years are different now.  What is your plan for me?  What is your plan for us as a family?  I know I can trust you, because your are trustworthy!  Amen.

      

One Word

This morning I decided I would start praying for my kids one at a time for a word that would best fit them.  So I started with Benjamin.  His word seemed too easy and confusing, "determination".  Yes, I though he is determined, but is that what God wants me to pray about?  Then his birth experience came to my mind; YES, determination is definitely fitting for him.  He was determined to get out, in spite of the circumstances and determined to live! I began to pray for him in all areas of his life. Next, Aaron came to mind.  "Courage", was the word for him.  Again a bit confused, but knowing this is an area Aaron needs strength in, I committed to pray for courage for him, in all areas of his life.  Then I thought about Hannah, I sat for a few minutes waiting on God, then the word "faithful" came to mind.  "Oh how perfect!" I thought.  She brightens up a room when she enter, and people are drawn to her because she's so bubbly and friendly.  Faithful it is!  Waiting upon God for Dillon, took a little longer; but finally, "lead" came to mind.  I thought about it for a minute, then prayed for him to lead well, and be lead well.  I'm still praying about Danielle and Dave's word.

At breakfast, I shared with the 3 kids (littles) about the one word plan.  They each said what they thought their words were.  Hannah said, "Responsible", Aaron said, "Patience", and Benjamin said, "Nice".  I translated Ben's word to a Biblical term "Kind" or "Kindhearted".

A little later, I shared with Dillon my thoughts about the one word plan, but not the word I felt God wanted me to pray for him.  He said he had already been thinking about character traits he would be praying for himself this year, and his words were "Lead and Diligence".  My eyes filled with tears because it could have only been God!  I just love it when He does that. I then shared with Dillon the one word God put on my heart for him.

Well, my word is "gentle".  I keep trying to get out of it and come up with another one, but that seems to be what God wants me to work on.

Blessed be your name when the world's all as it should be, blessed be your name.   

New Year - Old Baggage

As this new year began, I started reading through my journal from last year.  I have to admit, I was quite the whiner! The ramblings that I wrote must have been hard for God to listen to.  On the up side though, I do see how God met me and answered many prayers in spite of my pathetic groaning.

As with every new year we always attempt to start over, get a new beginning...well this year is no different; I am going to attempt to really dive into God's Word, dig deeper, and mature in my relationship with Christ. The difference will be how I approach this overwhelming task.  With one word!

This morning while I was taking the kids to school, I heard a radio host plug this website on how to make New Year's resolutions different this year.  My One Word of change.

SO lets start by asking some questions taken from MYONEWORD.ORG blog...


Question:  Do you feel that in the past year you have progressed or regressed in your relationship with Christ?  
Answer:  Well, I feel like I have been doing the "Two Step" with God this year.  Meaning, I think I have progressed, but regressed too.  I wish I would have been better at journaling my life so I could track approximately when I went off balance.

Question:  What shortcomings have you observed in your character over the past year?
Answer:  I think harshness, judging, and fear would be areas my character has been under attack.


Question:  What emotions and baggage are you bringing into the New Year?
Answer:  Lack of self confidence, Un-forgiveness, unwillingness or reluctant to serve family, church body, self pitty, self- righteousness, unrepentant heart, judging others based on my view of life though my own heart/experiences.

Question:  If someone were to ask what God had taught you this past year, how would you answer them? If you were honest, would your response be just lip service?
Answer:  I do feel like I have been wounded in the battle this year, but over all I can confidently say God began last year teaching me how precious I am to him.  That has always been a concept that eluded me until this year. I believe over the year's day to day struggle I lost sight of that, and began to doubt my worth in his eyes much less his hear toward me. 


The site just stops here, but I want to take this a little further, these are issues that need to be dealt with at the heart level, but then they need to be forgotten!  Don't keep bringing them back into the picture when the going gets rough.


Here are some ideas on picking your one word (taken from the blog myoneword.org)...


1).  Determine what kind of person you want to become: Ask yourself what kind of person did God create me to be?  What is the very character of God that should be displayed in my life?


2).  Identify the characteristics of that person. Get a picture of that person in you mind.  What are the qualities of that person?


3).  Simply pick one word.  Even though you may think of several qualities, resist the temptation to choose more than one word.  Just pick one!  


The process will be hard at times, even uncomfortable at first, but remember this trait is not part of your current day to day life, hence the need for change...change can be hard! 


Father, please help me to first see the need for change in my life, then give me the courage to step out in faith and make those changes. My desire is to be a pleasing fragrance to you!